With Blinders On
by Lisa Telramor
Summary: There is only so often one can willingly be blinded, and Ran can see through her cracks. Sometimes she needs to stop and fill those cracks back in, because there has to be a reason why she can't know the truth...right?


_AN: For the Prompt: Any(/any), any(/any), I know you fooled me_

 _A million times_

 _I just can't help it_

 _Don't know why_

 _(Lene Marlin, The Way We Are)_

 _I liked the prompt enough that I wrote two fills for it. The other is Aoko and Kaito and equally unhealthy in its take on their relationship._

~O~O~O~

There was that smile again, that wave and the "Sorry, Ran. I've got to go, but I'll see you later" that she hated so much. Shinichi's smile used to make her feel happy and whole, but these days it just meant he was leaving again. In a few minutes Conan would show up with the usual "Shinichi-niichan said" and Ran didn't want to tamp down her disappointment in front of Conan. She didn't want to pretend that she was fine when the more time went on she wasn't.

It was a little too convenient how Conan always showed up when Shinichi went away. It was a little too convenient that Shinichi had time to give Conan a message when he couldn't stick around to give her a proper apology. It was a little too convenient that Conan came into her life just when Shinichi became a hole in it, bringing all the mysteries and chaos Shinichi always brought with him.

Too convenient.

Too convenient, but there had to be some reason why Shinichi and Conan were lying to her. There had to be some reason for why they hurt her…Shinichi hurt her…over and over again.

Otherwise… Otherwise.

Ran brushed away tears.

Right on cue, Conan ran up, looking out of breath and a little bit in pain with excuses already tripping off his tongue.

"Ran…neechan," he panted, and maybe she was imagining the hesitation between her name and the suffix (she wasn't). Maybe it was because Conan couldn't catch his breath (it wasn't). "Shi…Shinichi-niichan—"

"I don't want to know," Ran snapped. Part of her recoiled because it was Conan and Conan always tried to comfort her and (but Conan wasn't really Conan and she knew it, knew it, knew it but wouldn't let herself believe it). She forced a shaky smile for him. "Not now, okay?"

"Ran…" Conan said, sounding lost. He reached out to take her hand and she turned away, pretending she hadn't noticed.

"I'm going to take a walk," she said. "Will you and Tou-san be alright on your own for dinner."

"I…yeah, we'll be fine." Conan looked very small and defeated. For a moment she almost felt regret.

"Thanks, Conan-kun." She smiled and it felt a bit more real on her face. She walked away.

Tomorrow she would probably get a phone call from Shinichi and he would talk about some case but wouldn't go into details, and Conan would be on eggshells all week, and Tou-san would mutter threats against Shinichi under his breath if he noticed anything was wrong at all. For one terrifying moment she couldn't remember what it felt like not to have this desperation lurking in the background. Conceivably at one point she was happy and not worried about Shinichi and hadn't spent hours wishing her phone would just ring so that she knew he was alive (so that she knew he still cared about her). Conceivably, she had managed fine before. She'd been happy once and it hadn't been the happy that came in between spurts of melancholy and anxiety, but really happy without the slightest worry that it would vanish if she blinked. It hadn't been forced, a reminder that things could be worse, so smile, smile, it's okay, you're fine, Ran, you're fine.

The only memory that came immediately to mind was as a child playing with Shinichi and that was tainted now, because everything came back to Shinichi anymore.

(Did he not trust her? Was that it? Was she a burden? A target? Did he think he could defend himself any better than she could defend herself with his mystery geeking and his soccer obsession? Did he think she was happier not knowing? Did he think she was safer not knowing she could be attacked? Did he think it made her any less stressed and anxious and mentally exhausted to be kept out of the loop?)

Conan was not Conan and had never been Conan and some days it seemed like everyone else important in Shinichi's life was in on the joke (but it wasn't a joke, shouldn't even be possible) but her.

Ran didn't choose any direction, just let her feet carry her. Only when she found herself heading toward Shinichi's house did she stop and chastise herself. It was stupid. So very very stupid to even subconsciously go there. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment.

She wouldn't ask. There were reasons. She didn't suspect. She wasn't supposed to after all. She didn't know anything.

(Tomorrow Shinichi will call and Conan will be conveniently not in the room or at Professor Agasa's or just Out.)

She can wait. She can wait. She can wait. Ran breathed in and out. She can wait. She forced the tension out of her shoulders.

She'd forgive him. She'd forgive Shinichi and feel happy and hopeful and head over heels in love when he showed up again and the second he smiled, she knew she'd lose all the anger that would build up in the meantime. He'd say, "Hey, Ran. Did you miss me?" She would want to punch him in the face but would end up crying in his arms instead.

There was no one that could break her like Shinichi could, really. She spent so much time trying to be strong and he ripped it to pieces with a few words.

He'd leave again and this would all repeat.

She'd let him keep fooling her and breaking her heart. It wasn't because she loved him. She couldn't really say why she'd let him do it again and again, but she would.

Ran didn't like that about herself.

It wasn't something she was going to change.


End file.
